How to Be a Villain Read online

  by Neil Zawacki

  illustrations by James Dignan

  Table of Contents

  Cover Page

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Chapter I Getting Started with the Forces of Darkness

  Chapter II Discovering the Methods of Your Mayhem

  Chapter III Thwarting the Forces of Good

  Chapter IV Tools of the Evil Trade

  Chapter V Making an Evil Plan

  Copyright

  This book is dedicated to everyone who ever thought evil was just a dream. Rejoice, would-be miscreants, your time has come!

  “If you only knew the power of the Dark Side…”

  —Darth Vader

  Congratulations on your decision to join the forces of darkness…Evil can always use another talented agent to lend a hand in the name of mayhem. The sooner you get started, the sooner you can enjoy the fruits of limitless power, revel in unbridled greed and debauchery, and begin the construction of the enormous and needlessly complex weapons of destruction in your basement.

  Whether you practice evil in the privacy of your own home or set your goals at nothing less than international domination, you’ll find plenty of valuable tips in this guide. Whatever your background or experience, rest assured there’s an aspect of evil that’s right for you. If you don’t find your niche immediately, don’t despair. This handy guide is designed to help you discover and nurture the darkness within for a lifetime of heedless villainy. No matter how well adjusted you may appear to friends and family, you are the only one who can truly know your evil potential.

  Tip: If you find that you still lack confidence, try this exercise. Stand in front of a mirror with the lights turned off. Stare at your ghostly visage and say with confidence, “I’m bad. I’m really, really bad.”

  Getting Started

  Evil deeds don’t need to be catastrophic to be rewarding. Indeed, plenty of minor acts can be satisfyingly unpleasant. Start small and work your way up to more infamous exploits. Here are a few ideas:

  Realign the moon’s orbit (you can always do Earth later)

  Turn a popular landmark into a gelatinous ooze

  Release a demonic hoard on a peaceful township

  Learn to play the pipe organ and volunteer at church functions

  Broadcast your evil plans on public access television

  Remember, most of the mightily evil people you admire today probably failed once or twice along the way. Part of being evil is having the courage to keep on trying, even if your sinister shenanigans don’t always inspire terror and strife.

  The Concept of Evil

  The first step in an evil education is to understand the true meaning of the term. The dictionary offers one definition:

  Evil (adj.) 1. Having qualities tending to injury and mischief; having a nature or properties which tend to badness; mischievous; not good; worthless or deleterious; poor; as, an evil beast, an evil plant, an evil crop. 2. Having or exhibiting bad moral qualities; morally corrupt; wrong; vicious; as, evil conduct, thoughts, heart, words, and the like.

  There is more, but you probably get the point. Evil is fiendish. Evil is malevolent. Evil is wicked. But isn’t there more to it than that? Yes, what the dictionary cleverly leaves out is for an elect few to know: Evil is fun.

  The Benefits of Being Evil

  Being evil is more than a job, it’s a lifestyle. By embracing the dark forces, otherwise ordinary men, women, and even children and pets can gain power and wealth beyond their wildest dreams. Perhaps the single greatest benefit of a career in evil is equal access to executive level positions. Black, white, or green; male, female, or alien life form; spikes, scales, or brain in a jar—nothing prevents a devotee of darkness from rising to the top of the quagmire of destruction.

  Power and wealth are not the only benefits. Servants of darkness, despite the secondary role that name implies, also enjoy deliciously unrestricted creative freedom. Evil knows no boundaries. If you can dream an evil plot, you can do it—and become a ray of darkness in an otherwise unbearably sunny day.

  Evil careers offer extensive supernatural benefits, too. Many evil-doers develop the ability to manifest themselves wherever and whenever they choose. For those who excel, there is even the possibility of immortality.

  In the end, the most important part of being evil is feeling good about your bad self. Only then will you walk down the street with pride, smiling broadly as small children in your path abandon their favorite playthings and flee as though approached by a swarm of locusts.

  Careers in Evil

  Although it’s possible to be evil in any vocation, certain careers practically force you to exploit your dark side. Your best bets:

  Night manager of a deserted warehouse

  Mad scientist

  Shape-shifter

  Voodoo princess

  Slave driver

  Orc, ogre, or zombie

  Telemarketer

  Become a ray of darkness in an otherwise unbearably sunny day.

  Am I Evil?

  Do you have what it takes to be deeply and disturbingly evil? Complete this quick quiz to find out.

  How do you start your morning?

  Rise at six, shower while humming chipper tune

  Perform vigorous knee bends and enjoy bracing five-mile jog

  Hit the snooze alarm until hopelessly late for work

  Sip a cup of coffee, read the newspaper, plot the downfall of civilization

  Which of the following best describes your talents?

  People person

  Manager

  Multitasker

  Snake charmer

  What did you want to be when you grew up?

  Police officer

  Doctor

  Ballerina

  Supreme dark overlord of all mankind, or a lawyer

  Do you have any pets?

  Puppy

  Bird

  Iguana

  An aquarium filled with piranhas, electric eels, and killer sharks

  How do you normally spend your weekends?

  Hiking mountain trails

  Watching television

  Hanging out with friends

  Constructing doomsday devices in the basement

  What torments you in your worst nightmares?

  A fiery building from which I cannot escape

  Monsters with huge teeth

  Vengeful ex-lovers

  Unicorns, rainbows, and puppy dogs with soulful eyes

  What are your religious beliefs?

  Christian, Jewish, Muslim

  Buddhist, Hindu, pagan

  Atheist or agnostic

  I am actually an ancient Babylonian god awoken from a terrible sleep

  What would you say is the greatest threat to society today?

  Crime, drugs, and gangs

  Multinational corporations

  Nuclear war

  Me

  What is your reaction when confronted by a crucifix or holy water?

  Feel the divine light surround your spiritual aura

  Contemplate how far civilization has come

  Chuckle at their ridiculous superstitious beliefs

  Run away while screaming “It burns! It burns!”

  It’s the end of the world. An atomic blast has just leveled the cities and destroyed the human race. Mutants walk the streets and the seas have boiled away to nothing. Civilization as you know it is over. What do you do?

  Vow to someday rebuild society

  Double over in grief and wait for a merciful death

  Try to remember the plot to The Road Warrior

  Congratulate yourself on a job well done

  Answers

  Tally up your answers by counting th
e number of times each letter was connected to your responses.

  Mostly As, Bs, or Cs: Unfortunately you do not possess the necessary qualities to be a supervillain. Please continue exploring your inner evil and try again next year.

  Mostly Ds: Excellent. You are predestined to menace society.

  Choosing an Evil Name

  To get your evil career launched with flair, you’ll want to choose an evil name for yourself. A good one is memorable, pithy, and conjures up images of endless torment. A short name is generally preferable, especially since you will want to carve it into stone, have it tattooed on all of your servants, and emblazon it on your armor and weaponry. Choose carefully, because this is what the world will know you as throughout time, and once it’s out there in the zeitgeist, it’s hell getting the thing changed.

  Tip: Many great names are already taken but can be modified to good use, such as Satan’s Handyman or Mistress of the Dark Prince.

  the normal name This is where you keep your current name and simply use that in your quest for ultimate evil. Believe it or not, you don’t always need a big flash name—it just helps. Trust in your evil deeds, and, should you become terrible enough, that alone can be enough to inspire fear in all humanity. Examples include Bill Gates, Pat Robertson.

  the descriptive name Like a tag line in brand marketing, a descriptive name lets people know immediately something about you and what makes you different. Gather friends and family and brainstorm to discover the key element of your evil identity. What makes you so bad? If you like to crush things, for example, you might decide to call yourself The Pulverizer. Evil geniuses with multiple limbs might opt for The Octopus, and Eater of Souls is always good for destroyers of humanity. While you are brainstorming, don’t shoot down an idea just because it’s not exactly right. Even the silliest suggestion might lead to a wonderfully sinister name later.

  Countess Carnal

  the sinister name Want more options in the evil lexicon? The following chart will help you come up with a name sure to cause millions to tremble. To create a name worthy of your destructive tendencies, simply select one word from each column and combine the words in columns two and three. For example, you might try on Baron Bloodspawn for size. Don’t limit yourself to the suggestions printed here. If you can think of more evil terms on your own, add them to the chart. Then mix, match, and let your creativity blossom.

  Evil Branding

  Make your new designation echo in the minds of the timid for eons with a sophisticated brand name. You won’t need to consult Madison Avenue; chances are, you can come up with great ideas on your own. An effective evil branding may include any or all of the following:

  SLOGAN Three to five words that sum up your evil ways in an intimidating fashion. Remember, you’re talking directly to your victims, so make your message something they can relate to, such as “Mercy Is Not an Option!”

  JINGLE Jingles are memorable, contagious, and easier to invent than you think. Select a song you like and change the words to describe yourself.

  LOGO (monstrous skulls, deadly scorpions, and pyramids with eyes) Iconic representation is a must these days, plus it gives you an artful way to leave your mark in the wake of destruction.

  TRADEMARK GESTURE Whether you leave behind a token of your villainy or howl from a mountaintop each fortnight, consistent delivery of a gesture or symbolic act, in other words a trademark, will help reinforce your name and identity, making it that much more likely that your evil ways will survive in perpetuity.

  LITERARY LEGACY If a legacy of evil is important to you, be sure to find your way into fables, lore, literature, song, and even film. What better way to attain evil stature than by starring in your own major motion picture?

  Create a Jingle

  Jingles help people remember your name long after you’ve moved on to menace other territories. Here’s an easy formula for success, even if you’ve never written an evil jingle before.

  STEP ONE State who you are.

  I’m Barstil the wing-ed succubus,

  STEP TWO Rhyming on the last syllable of line one, elaborate on one of your qualities.

  I’m way more than egre-gi-ous.

  STEP THREE State what you like to do.

  I’ll eat you up and spit you out,

  STEP FOUR Rhyming on the last syllable of line three, state the consequences or result of your action.

  You’ll wish your affliction was merely gout!

  Make your message something they can relate to.

  Motives

  The next step toward creating your evil persona is to consider your motive. Why do you do the things you do? Is it the power? The money? The glory? Or are you just bad to the bone? Evil comes from many sources; here are just a handful.

  power A prime motivator, the lust for power fuels many a malcontent. Power lets you do anything you want while remaining completely unaccountable for your actions. Do you feel the overwhelming desire to crush all beneath your might and control all that exists? If so, you’re probably motivated by a strong affinity for power. Total supremacy is, of course, very tempting and explains why power has remained the top driving force among evil-doers for millennia.

  greed Many observers see greed as a superior motive to both power and hate, because it typically leads to wealth and material riches. This is not to say that it in any way impedes the pursuit of evil; in fact, quite the contrary. Unmitigated greed, which often includes exploitation, theft, and wholesale corruption, is often an expedient route to nastiness. Due to the typically high profit margin of evil deeds, amassing an evil fortune can be remarkably quick and easy.

  hate Many evil-doers are motivated by a strong hatred for all mankind. They want nothing more than to punish anyone who has ever committed the unforgivable crime of having been born. Evil-doers with this motivation are usually predisposed to venomous wrath and mindless rage, and will often rain down destruction even at the cost of their own lives. Though constant stress is an unfortunate side effect, hatred can be a truly magnificent force to behold.

  insanity Many evil-doers have been propelled to greatness through insanity. Some hear voices in their heads, others can’t tell right from wrong. Whatever your particular derangement, insanity is, by definition, incredibly disturbing both to you and those around you. As such, you may want to consider losing your mind before embarking on your evil career, so as not to be inconvenienced by your own madness. Madness scores high for originality and can direct you in ways normally thought impossible, or not thought at all, because they’re, well, insane.

  revenge Another favorite, revenge is the extreme desire to make them pay, whomever they may be. Try to think of something unpleasant that happened to you in the past. Chances are, you can find someone to blame for this agony. Did the other children torment you for being “different”? Did your teachers say you’d never amount to any kind of genius, evil or not? They deserve to pay dearly. You suffered, why shouldn’t they? If this logic makes sense to you, then you are motivated by revenge. Or maybe you’re just really, really petty. Whatever the case, never let go of your resentment over past injuries. Mull them over daily, if necessary, because without anger, you are nothing.

  evil, it’s my nature For some wrongdoers, evil is not sought. Rather, it’s inherent to their being. When a child is born with glowing red eyes and strange cloven hooves it is not too unusual for them to discover evil as their true calling. Think about your childhood. Is there evidence that you were the Antichrist? An evil childhood is typically fraught with character-building pain and suffering, such as parents perishing in mysterious fires and close friends accidentally “falling” to the bottom of wells. If you’ve been evil for as long as you can remember, you probably don’t need additional motivation. You’re just plain nasty.

  An evil childhood is typically fraught with character-building pain and suffering—such as close friends accidentally “falling” down a well.

  The Evil Laugh—A Must-Have

  There are a n
umber of excellent ways to enhance your evil persona, from feigning a foreign accent to exaggerating a physical defect or tick to cultivating a clannish following among teenagers. However, the most essential skill by far is an evil laugh.

  how to do an evil laugh The evil laugh is a defining characteristic of any supervillain, and you will find yourself calling on it quite regularly as you exult in your own wickedness. There are many different laughs to choose from, each signifying varying degrees of derangement.

  Dependably evil laughs, in varying degrees of magnitude:

  Ha Ha Ha!

  He-he-he-he-he!

  Muahahahaha!

  Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  Once you have decided upon a laugh, practice it every day. Take a deep breath, relax, and feel yourself laugh like a crazed hyena. When you have mastered the basic laugh, learn all its different chortles and inflections, exploring the many ways it can inspire fear. Imagine a variety of scenarios when you might employ your laugh.

  Best Times to Use Your Evil Laugh

  When revealing your master plan

  During a bank heist

  Before dispatching your arch-nemesis to a tank of hungry piranhas

  While standing over the conquered enemy masses

  After your evil scheme has gone off without a hitch

  After instructing your henchmen in some vile deed

  Before unleashing your weapon of mass destruction