The Villain's Guide to Better Living Read online

  by neil zawacki

  illustrations by bill brown

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to all the villains out there who

  clawed their way to the top, and still want a better view.

  Take heart, fiends, the life you desire is

  within your bony grasp.

  Contents

  Dedication

  1 Introduction

  2 Home Design

  3 Health

  4 Work

  5 Social Life

  6 Travel

  Copyright

  1

  Introduction

  Most evil-doers lead a less than satisfactory existence,

  and chances are you’re one of these.

  Sure, it’s good to be bad, but the life of a villain is not always about blocking out the sun. It’s easy to forget about the little things that make life livable. You can conquer the world, but you can’t quite conquer your checkbook. You can invent a death ray, but you still have to work nights at the video store. You can even replace all humanity with robots, but you can’t convince any of them to go to the movies with you.

  Most evil-doers lead a less than satisfactory existence, and chances are you’re one of these. But you don’t have to be. That’s right—it is possible to wake up in your coffin each night and not want to destroy yourself. You can regain that gleefully evil feeling you had so long ago and thought you’d never find again.

  Imagine the possibilities. You’ll have more energy to tie maidens to railroad tracks. Your dastardly scheme to crash the moon into the earth will actually succeed. Your castle will be a lair for self-indulgence, and your life will be filled with minions begging to perform your every misdeed. You will be so up and so motivated that you’ll want to enslave humanity again—and you’ll have the strength to do it.

  This will not be easy. You’ll have to make some changes, and warp your worldview significantly. You’ll have to shop. You’ll have to clean. You’ll have to mingle. But if you’re ready to become an evil overlord who matters, to take the dragon by the horns and shout, “No more!” then keep reading.

  Are You Satisfied with Your Evil Existence?

  Perhaps you’re still not convinced. If so, take this simple quiz to determine your current mood.

  When you look upon your life in its current state, do you…

  A. Destroy all nearby cities in a foaming rage?

  B. Wail morosely as you claw your eyes out?

  C. Smile wickedly while you wave to your adoring slaves?

  When faced with a problem at work, do you…

  A. Swat your underlings for their gross incompetence?

  B. Whimper and hide in your spacecraft?

  C. Overcome all odds to end up Supreme Ruler of Mankind?

  You’ve just gotten home after a very long day and you have some free time. Do you…

  A. Unleash your monstrous hordes on a nearby orphanage?

  B. Sob uncontrollably in your dungeon for several hours?

  C. Play with your moat monster? He loves you, yes he does!

  How would you describe your relationship with friends and neighbors?

  A. They call in nuclear strikes daily. Ha! They will fail like the last three!

  B. They once hired a priest to try to banish you from this realm.

  C. Great! They worship you like a god and regularly sacrifice virgins to you!

  Your daily health regimen consists of the following:

  A. Throwing boulders at nearby schoolchildren

  B. Fleeing from villagers and angry mobs

  C. Defeating entire armies without breaking a sweat

  When faced with a difficult problem, do you…

  A. Activate your doomsday device?

  B. Lock yourself in a cage and hit yourself repeatedly?

  C. Laugh it off? There will be other countries to conquer.

  Do you smile wickedly while you wave to your adoring slaves?

  If given a chance to visit anywhere on vacation, where would you go?

  A. The center of a volcano, to make it erupt like your fury and destroy a vast region

  B. Into the deepest parts of the ocean, never to return

  C. To view the numerous statues and monuments erected in your name

  How long did your last romantic relationship last?

  A. Two months, until she attempted to drown you in acid

  B. One week, and then she had herself committed

  C. One thousand years and going strong! Immortality is such a sweet burden.

  Now, add up your answers, and see what they reveal.

  MOSTLY A’s: You are obviously very angry in your current situation.

  This book is exactly what you need.

  MOSTLY B’s: You are apparently very depressed with your life.

  This book is exactly what you need.

  MOSTLY C’s: You are clearly deluding yourself with fake happiness.

  This book is exactly what you need.

  When faced with a difficult problem, do you lock yourself

  in a cage and hit yourself repeatedly?

  Do you enjoy volcanos that erupt like your own fury?

  2

  Home Design

  A villain’s home is his castle. Literally. It is there that you plan your schemes, raise your dragon, and imprison the true heir to the throne. But any old bastion won’t do. You need a home that reflects your dark, dead heart and suits your nefarious needs. Creating the ideal digs will require you to do things you’ve never done before, like work with faux finishes and shop at Bed Bath & Beyond. But if you can handle building a doomsday device, you can handle this. The following guide will help you find the suite that suits you best. Now get ready to turn your lair from drab to fabulously drab!

  Gothic Vampire Vault

  abode You like a house with history in a nice, quiet neighborhood. In other words, a mausoleum. Mausoleums make excellent lairs, so stop by your favorite cemetery and appropriate one that suits your liking. It may have some other family’s name on it, but you can cover that up with a nice tattered awning. Spooky mansions are a fine alternative, as long as they are crumbling with age and covered with moss and vines.

  decorating You have long hair and you’re wearing a lace jabot. You’re not afraid to express your poetic side, and your house shouldn’t be, either. Wall-to-wall purple velvet? Yes. Numerous portraits of long-dead loves? Definitely. Huge vases full of dead flowers? Indeed. Shelves overflowing with moldering relics and mementos? Of course. Minimalism is not for you. You’re an immortal, you’ve had plenty of time to shop, and your home reflects that. As for colors, stick to rich tones like blood red and arterial purple. Finally, don’t be afraid to decorate with your own handsome likeness. The eighteenth-century portrait of yourself will look great in the dining room, and the mantel is just crying out for your marble bust. Besides, if you can’t keep mirrors in the house, this is the only way you’ll get a good look at yourself.

  furniture Choose heavy pieces in nice dark woods like rainforest mahogany or teak (they’ll conceal mealtime blood spills). In the parlor, skip the coffee table and install a coffin table instead. You can use the space inside for storing your chapbooks and overnight guests. You’ll also want a plush divan for your victims to collapse on during fainting spells, as well as some armchairs formed out of actual arm bones. A trendy minifridge is suggested for storing your blood in.

  lighting Since sunlight will turn you to ash, you’ll want to lose the vinyl miniblinds and cover any windows with heavy opaque curtains in damask or velvet. For ambient lighting, choose antique verdigris candelabras, gas lamps, and chandeliers to drop upon your enemies.

&nbs
p; Don’t be afraid to decorate with your own handsome likeness.

  Besides, if you can’t keep mirrors in the house,

  quick fixes Let’s face it: the vampire business has been slow for the past few years. But the bloodsucker on a budget needn’t despair. It’s easy to achieve high-style doom on a dime in no time flat. If you can cover up against the Sunday morning sunlight, hit the garage sales to load up on rococo accessories like carpets and candlesticks. Thrift stores are a great source for Gothic knicknacks, picture frames, and furniture. Distress your finds further with antiquing paint and blowtoarch treatments. And be sure to pick up some old velvet curtains to use for bedspreads and upholstery. Finally, consider making a larcenous visit to your grandma’s house. She’ll never miss those old lace tablecloths, and they’ll lend a nice Miss Havisham touch for next to nothing.

  Mad Scientist Chalet

  abode Despite touch-and-go electrical service and spotty cable reception, dark castles remain the favored home of the mad scientist. There’s just something about gargoyles and turrets that inspires innovative brilliance. Modern brains may wish to go with a corporate lab instead.

  decorating Your home must be cold, clean, lint free, and streamlined. Clutter will just get in the way when your unholy creation attempts to chase you to your death. No rugs, no artwork, no color. The only decoration you need: lots of vials and beakers connected by swirling glass tubes. Pull it all together with beeping electronic equipment that seems to serve no purpose and tremendous switches you can throw for dramatic effect.

  furniture No natural materials here. Go with brushed steel and polished chrome. You’ll also want a large platform to hoist up on stormy nights, and a glass table for your enormous chemistry set. It goes without saying that everything will need to be acid-proof.

  The only decoration you need:

  lighting Between the chemical explosions, the electrical pyrotechnics, the glowing frankenzombies, and the radioactive fish-headed monster-sheep, you probably won’t have to worry too much about lighting. But if it’s a little dim, then bottled lightning is a fine solution, as are the torches from angry villagers storming your home.

  quick fixes Lacking a vendetta and a large National Science Foundation grant? Not to worry. A mad scientist’s lab can still be yours, just on a smaller scale. Instead of a lab, for instance, it will probably be a converted garage. You won’t have access to state-of-the-art equipment, but your nephew has a pretty nice chemistry set and an okay microscope, and he leaves his bedroom door unlocked. Robots are out of the question. But radio-controlled stuffed animals? You can have as many of those as you want.

  Quick Fix: Instead of inlaid gold furniture: wicker.

  Instead of mind-reading cats: non-mind-reading cats.

  Egyptian Despot’s Den of Curses

  abode Everyone will expect you to go with a pyramid, and maybe you should. Sure, they’re clichéd, but let’s face it: they’re really, really cool. If you just have to be different, try an underground tomb. Daring evil-doers may want to opt for a sphinx, although you’ll need to be prepared for problems with local zoning laws.

  decorating Stenciling isn’t just for your nephew’s Winnie the Pooh–themed nursery. It’s also the key to an authentic-looking Egyptian den of curses. So get your stencils, your paints, and your enslaved masses ready. Start with a decorative border of scarabs and ankhs. Larger rooms will require murals. Of course, everything should be covered in hieroglyphics bearing messages of unspeakable doom. All remaining exposed surfaces should be encrusted with mosaics of turquoise, gold, beryl, and obsidian. As for accessories, mind-reading cats add a sophisticated touch, and cursed archeological treasures are a must. Beyond that, you can’t go wrong with obelisks and statues of Egyptian deities. Finally, don’t forget to install some secret doors and hidden chambers.

  furniture Inlaid gold is really the only way to go here. It befits your royal station, and the reflection lends a lovely glow to your inbred freakish skin tone. You won’t need many pieces—just a throne, an ottoman, and a few kneelers for unexpected guests. After dark, nothing says “omnipotent boy-king” or “priestess of doom” like a sarcophagus for your bed.

  lighting All light should emanate from the glowing green eyeballs of your supernatural sculptures, pets, and mummified zombies. If this proves too dim, try burning torches to brighten things up. They’ll also come in handy should you need to discipline the aforementioned zombies.

  quick fixes It is possible to achieve an authentic Egyptian look even without the help of a slave army. Instead of inlaid gold furniture: wicker. Instead of parquet floors: sisal rugs. Instead of mind-reading cats: non-mind-reading cats. More ambitious despots can re-create the Sahara in seconds by filling an entire room with sand. Add a potted palm, and you’ll feel like you’re in ancient Thebes. Finally, a curtain of wooden beads adds color and interest. A poster of The Scorpion King does not.

  Medieval Warmongerer’s Hideaway

  abode Because split-level ranches aren’t big enough to house marauding hordes, most medieval warlords tend to go with a palace of some sort. This could be a fortress of doom, an obsidian citadel, or even a castle in the clouds. What’s important is that it’s dark and foreboding, and roomy enough for your illiterate minions. You’ll also need a dungeon, a torture chamber, and, if possible, a nice screened-in patio for entertaining.

  decorating Palaces tend to be huge, so your challenge will be filling all that space. Look for big pieces that won’t be dwarfed by twenty-foot ceilings. Suits of armor and iron maidens will work, as will eye-catching accessories like spiked maces. For the most part, you’ll want to stick to grays and browns. Accent with a few tapestries woven with scenes of destruction—they’ll lend just a touch of color and warmth. You’ll also want to install a few stained-glass windows that depict your horrible rise to power, and a dungeon to house those who got in the way.

  furniture Medieval furniture sends a message: Me big strong hurty king. Comfort is not a priority. Durability is. Go with hard, chilly materials like stone and metal. If you’re feeling fancy, you can encrust the surfaces with precious jewels, pearls, or artfully menacing spikes.

  lighting While you could go with torches or candles, why not illuminate your palace with the fire of burning witches? You were going to dispose of them anyway, so you might as well put these heretics to good use. It’s also an economical alternative to central heating. Castles are so energy inefficient.

  quick fixes Think you need a time machine to get an authentic medieval look? Well, think again. If the local community theater has Macbeth on the calendar and a poorly guarded prop department, consider your one-stop shopping done. Load up on armor, swords, and “stone” furniture. Most likely made of Styrofoam, it will be light enough to steal even on your minions’ day off.

  List of Do’s and Don’ts for Medieval Warmonger’s Hideaway.

  Post-Apocalyptic Dacha

  abode Nothing beats a bombed-out mansion or a condemned shopping mall built on toxic dumping grounds for sprawling out. In the event that the apocalypse has not happened yet, simply bulldoze a nearby establishment and move your stuff in. Try to pick someplace that houses retail establishments you favor, such as House of Pain, so you can loot the backstock.

  decorating Aim for decadent decay. Restraint and good taste have no place here. Trash fires and chemical spills do. Accessorize with old damp newspapers, cardboard boxes, and broken bottles. Geiger counters and police scanners also make great decorations, as do busted shortwave radios and smashed computers. As for artwork, stick to graffiti and vandalized billboards. Landscape with derelict Mad Max SUVs. Tie the whole look together with some sleeping hobos.

  furniture A trip to the dump should net you everything you need. Look for destroyed sofas, charred tables, and beds with rusty springs hanging out. If you prefer your furnishings extra-trashed, filch them from a local fraternity house.

  lighting Tires soaked in gasoline are usually the best choice, although radioactive waste makes
a fine substitute.

  quick fixes This is the easiest look of all to reproduce quickly and cheaply. In fact, it’s impossible to do it any other way. If the furniture you have now isn’t quite ruined enough, let a feral cat and a toddler at it for half an hour or so. A teenage vandal and a can of spray paint should take care of the rest. Home, sweet home!

  Restraint and good taste have no place in the post-Apocalyptic world.

  Your intimidating structure will be seen across the land and make your name synonymous with terror.

  Wizard’s Tower of Doom

  abode Maybe it’s a Freudian thing, but most wizards opt for a tower. It’s an excellent choice. Looming several hundred feet into the sky, your intimidating structure will be seen across the land and make your name synonymous with terror. Should towers be in short supply, the second choice, also Freudian, is a mountain cave.

  decorating Your goal: scholarly sophistication. This does not mean college dorm. No Hobbit posters. No lava lamps. No six-way bongs. Instead, opt for walnut paneling, built-in shelves, and wall-to-wall books. Keep the color scheme muted, but not too neutral: deep reds, greens, and browns are ideal. A few plants are acceptable, as long as they have dangerous chemical properties—no ferns. Finally, a magic carpet lends a whimsical touch, and a party-sized cauldron full of bubbling margaritas says you’re smart and fun.

  furniture Shaker, Danish Modern, Louis Quatorze—the style doesn’t matter. What’s important is that all your furniture be under a magic animating spell. Chairs float, tables speak, beds walk. And, when they sense you’re too gloomy, they all get together and cheer you up with a big musical number.