How to Be a Villain Read online

  After pressing the enormous red button of doom

  In ironic glee just as the heroes are sneaking up from behind

  While locked inside an insane asylum

  Any time you feel overwhelmed with evil satisfaction

  “So what are we doing tonight, Brain?”

  “The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!”

  —Pinky and the Brain, future rulers of mankind

  Careers for the Evil-doer

  With so many options to choose from, selecting the right evil career can be challenging. The most important thing is to choose a field you enjoy. What excites you? Is it the thrill of intercontinental warfare? The homespun pleasures of blackmail? The peace and solitude of the mad scientist’s laboratory?

  criminal mastermind Imagine being head of your own illicit empire, complete with legions of thuggish lackeys, heaps of tax-free income, offices in every neighborhood, and connections from police headquarters to city hall—it’s every aspiring evil-doer’s dream! But how do you land such an enviable position?

  Start out small. Multinational evil empires aren’t built in a day, and there will be plenty of time to expand your influence later. Find a field of crime that you like, such as bank robbery or intimidation, and practice it. Spend some time making contacts in the underworld and mastering the nuances of your craft. When you’re ready, hire a few henchmen and experiment with giving them a signature “look”—a style that makes them stand out from the other henchmen and tells the world who’s boss (you). Gradually expand your turf, and be sure to pick up a fluffy white cat to stroke constantly.

  As you grow your crime ring, you may encounter resistance from other would-be criminal masterminds. Don’t give them a second thought. Who is an evil genius? You are. Don’t let some gang of brainless bullies run you out of town, even if they start tossing flaming bricks through your windows. Remember, you can always vaporize the tedious interlopers with your secret death ray. (Note: It is important to put development of the secret death ray on a fast track, just in case.) When the time comes to remove any opposing masterminds, be sure to offer their best henchmen a choice between joining you and jumping into a vat of bubbling acid. You can never have enough resourceful minions at your disposal.

  necromancer If graveyards and funeral parlors are your cup of tea, becoming a necromancer may be the right evil career choice for you. Good career entry points include occultists, dabblers in voodoo, grave diggers, morticians, possessed eight-year-old girls, and inheritors of scary books written in cahoots with the Devil.

  First, whether by inheritance or other ruse, obtain some sort of Book of Evil. As described in the Tools of the Evil Trade chapter, these blasphemous tomes are excellent sources of bizarre ritual. You can get most sorcerous books from your local occult bookshop, though they’ve also been known to turn up inside ancient tombs, under lock and key at certain universities, and hidden in the rafters of abandoned Victorian houses.

  With your Book of Evil in hand, your next objective is to obtain corpses to people your army of the undead. The local cemetery is probably your best bet, but don’t overlook nearby battlefields, the morgue, or simply constructing your own! (Consult your Book of Evil for instructions.)

  Once your army is assembled, locate a village of medieval peasants to menace. If none is within easy reach, use whatever happy or prosperous community is nearby. Stake out a deserted mansion to make your base of operations. Once you’re set up, send forth your legions of the living dead to attack the townsfolk and transform them into zombies with every bite. Soon you will have an obedient army of the undead, which can then be sent to more towns, and more, until the world is yours.

  WARNING: Known side effects of necromancy include loss of hair, pale skin, foul stench, tomb rot, eyes melting from their sockets, mind-boggling insanity, and eternal damnation.

  When obtaining corpses to people your army of the undead, the local cemetery is your best bet.

  No time to awaken an army of the undead?

  Try these quick alternatives:

  Backup your genuine undead with cardboard reinforcements.

  Paint a large curtain with a trompe l’oeil scene depicting hundreds of thousands of undead eager to do your bidding. Hang it behind you whenever you confront the townsfolk.

  Create holographic undead and project them onto a local church.

  Fashion bodies of the undead out of papier-mâché. Add tissue-paper hair and dress them in rags.

  corporate bastard “Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.”—C. Montgomery Burns, owner, Springfield Nuclear Power Plant

  Thanks to the expansion of the global economy, the career of corporate bastard is considered one of the most rewarding among evil-doers today. Generally speaking, there are two ways to become a corporate bastard:

  Start your own business, building a multinational empire from the ground up.

  Go to work for an existing multinational empire and claw your way to the top.

  If you opt for the first approach, you will probably need a product or service to sell. It does not have to be anything created by you, as intellectual theft is acceptable, encouraged, and really not that difficult. If building your own multinational empire still sounds like too much work, you may want to consider the second route. When pursuing option two, be resourceful. Will seducing a superior with your irresistibly tempting powers land you the job? Go ahead. Can you embezzle funds and use them to bribe key players in senior management? If so, your ascent to the corner office in corporate headquarters will be that much more rapid. Whatever it is that makes you special, don’t be afraid to use it to further your career goals. If anyone should discover your methods, eliminate them.

  Your total lack of ethics should make climbing the corporate ladder an enjoyably wicked game. Before long you should be in a position of supreme power and able to direct your attention outward. This is the time to crush your competition, no matter how small and seemingly innocuous.

  If competition does exist, it must be disposed of, whether by hostile takeover, litigious whimsy, or predatory tactics, such as selling your own product at a tremendous loss in order to drive all others into bankruptcy. You may even choose to make a pact with the dark gods as part of your long-term strategic planning.

  Eventually all competition will be obliterated and you can spend your time gloating at the contemptible masses beneath you. This is perhaps one of the most rewarding aspects of being a corporate bastard (other than the money). Enjoy it at every opportunity. And why not? You earned it.

  Go to work for an existing multinational empire and claw your way to the top.

  To become a first-rate mad scientist, you’ll need two important qualities: superior intelligence and mind-boggling insanity.

  mad scientist Mad science has never gone out of style among the intellectually gifted and socially awkward. Its practitioners, primarily introverts, are in a unique position to rain down unimaginable terror on the world at large. A key benefit of mad science is the element of surprise. Unlike the corporate bastard whose evil is widely acknowledged in the media, the mad scientist is a loner, often entirely unheard of until he or she unveils a masterwork of hideous evil. The effect can be delightfully shocking.

  To become a first-rate mad scientist, you’ll need two important qualities: superior intelligence and mind-boggling insanity. The former is important because you’ll use it to devise and create your diabolical inventions. While the second, insanity, may not seem necessary now, it is vital to your cause. A healthy perspective will seriously impede your progress as a mad scientist, greatly limiting the scope of what you are capable of achieving.

  Your main goal will be to build gigantic and powerful inventions such as weather machines, doomsday devices, and giant robotic spider monsters. Re-creating life is another excellent choice as long as it results in an unstoppable menace. You may also want to attain a laboratory assistant,
as they can be quite useful for throwing large switches and seeking out brains for the master. The next step is up to you. Some mad scientists try to rule the world, others to destroy it. Many delve into organized crime, using their inventions to rob Fort Knox or vaporize a favorite city. A few content themselves with unleashing their creations upon mankind. Whatever you choose, you’ll feel confident in your role as a superior being who knows what’s best for the world. If that means replacing the human race with an army of robotic slaves, so be it.

  black knight One of the most gratifying evil careers is that of soldier of darkness. It allows you to ride forth on a jet black steed, murder your enemy in one fell blow, and bring nightmares to every corner of the land. If this sounds good to you, consider the career of black knight.

  The first thing to tend to is your appearance. Do not forsake this, as it will inspire unending terror in your enemies as well as numerous death metal album covers. Black knights are normally between six and eight feet tall, dress in black spiked battle armor, and wear huge antlered helmets. They also commonly wield swords or axes in both hands, and skulls or severed heads typically dangle from their waists. Packs of wolves and flocks of ravens, their servants and harbingers of darkness, follow them everywhere.

  Black knights are more than carefully wrought images, however. They are death personified. As such, you may need to start out small before realizing your true infernal potential. Many begin as soldiers in an army, working their way up the ranks until they can finally skewer the general on his own blade. Others go for the more solitary route, becoming dark wanderers that travel from town to town, leaving carnage and destruction in their wake.

  Once you have gained some power and experience, you will want to devote your time to the main reason you became a black knight: mindless bloodshed. Send forth any armies you have, raining destruction upon neighboring kingdoms. Ultimately, it all comes down to one thing: crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women. That’s all that truly matters, and as long as the rivers are running red with blood, you’ll know you’ve succeeded in a job well done.

  One of the most gratifying evil careers is that of soldier of darkness.

  A career as a horror-movie villain is certain to give you a feeling of accomplishment.

  horror-movie villain A popular choice due to its high visibility and glamorous reputation, a career as a horror-movie villain is certain to give you a feeling of accomplishment. Done well, a single film can launch a lifelong career with scores of sequels. Even if your films are not hugely successful, you will enjoy stalking scantily clad teenagers through the woods, making phone calls from inside the house, and terrorizing hospital staffs.

  Image is paramount to the horror-movie villain. Spend some time developing your screen persona, adding signature props and costume elements to help define your methods and personal style. Some good props include:

  Hockey mask

  Glove with knife-tipped-fingers

  Chainsaw

  Hangman’s noose

  Puzzle box

  Incredibly large knife

  You will also want to gain immortality, which is a bit more challenging. In the old days, getting hit by lightning would do it every time. These days, you’ll need to be more inventive, perhaps experimenting with nuclear waste and radioactive spills. Some of the old methods still seem to work, however, and you may want to consider them:

  Make a pact with the devil

  Get sentenced to the electric chair

  Wear a mystic amulet while you are gunned down in a toy store

  Make a deal with a creepy voodoo woman to avenge the death of your child

  Drown in a river while your camp counselors are too busy hav- ing sex to notice, have your mom kill the lovebirds and then, in the sequel, arise from the watery depths

  There are numerous ways to become a supernatural avatar.

  Whichever method you choose, stalk your movie victims with care, allowing them to trip several times and occasionally even to get away. Let your theme music travel with you, as you appear across the lake and behind shaded windows. Finally, make them emit the most bloodcurdling screams possible, as they bury a hatchet in your head and discover that doesn’t stop you. It’s all in good fun. If they should discover that fire, electricity, or a proper burial is your one weakness, don’t worry. Your body will reanimate somehow (it always does), and you will live to slay another day.

  avatar for a god/demon/supernatural creature beyond all comprehension Don’t want to put in the effort it takes to be an evil overlord but still desire the destruction of all mankind? Maybe you should become a supernatural avatar. An avatar is really just a facilitator. You unleash the evil being and reap the rewards of his or her destructive tendencies. This career is ideal for apprentice sorcerers and those who like meddling in Things Man Was Not Meant to Know.

  There are numerous ways to become a supernatural avatar. These include:

  Find a copy of the Necronomicon

  Open the mummy’s tomb

  Steal the idol from the island natives

  Wear the ancient mystic amulet

  Free the supernatural horror from its thousand-year prison

  Once you’ve let the monstrosity take over, there’s not much left to do except sit back and watch. And scream in anguish. And claw your eyes out. And feel the flesh rip from your bones as the ancient god is reborn again and grows forty feet tall, devours everything that exists, and brings about the destruction of all humanity.

  marketing executive Less overtly evil than other evil career options, the marketing executive is nonetheless an insidious purveyor of nongood. From spam to subliminal advertising, this evil-doer creeps like a fog, slipping into the citizenry’s subconscious with a thousand mind-melding messages. In the words of Keyser Soze, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist,” and the marketing executive exploits this ruse to the fullest.

  For decades, marketing executives have been promoting the idea that advertising and sponsorship are simply healthy extensions of capitalism with no serious effect on people’s behavior. The result is complete freedom of evil expression. No matter how malicious your intent, as an evil marketing executive you have the power to promulgate your ideas willy-nilly, winning unwitting converts to your cause around the globe.

  The marketing executive is an insidious purveyor of nongood.

  Evil Marketing Executive To-Do List:

  Buy an avant-garde suit and unusual eyeglasses

  Devise evil campaign messaging with a simple call to action, such as “Send cash now!”

  Purchase prime placement in broadcast and print media

  Coerce endorsements from dull-witted celebrities

  Incorporate in the Bahamas, open a bank account, and prepare for arrival of cash

  World domination is one of the most rewarding evil objectives.

  Objectives and Goals

  An evil-doer without an objective is a sorry sight, slumped on the couch, death ray half-finished and abandoned, dull gaze directed at the television, orange residue of cheese puffs staining the lips and tongue. Don’t let your sinister potential go to waste! Identify an evil purpose now and get your dark energies on track for success. The three most common evil goals are outlined below, but feel free to follow your heart. If your dark deed isn’t listed here, that doesn’t mean it’s not evil. In fact, it might be the worst thing anybody’s ever done!

  1. World Domination

  This is the biggie. World domination is one of the most powerful and rewarding of all evil objectives. Surprisingly, it’s not as easy as one might think. It actually takes a lot of work. Here are a few of the sinister possibilities.

  economic The brute force inherent in a multinational corporation makes it an excellent means of perpetrating global evil. Economic oppression is, in many ways, superior to the old-school approach of mass warfare, if only because it is faster and has a higher profit margin (no need
to produce costly weapons). What you will need to do is make the global market dependent on you for the products you make and the jobs you provide, and then eliminate the competition until you become a total monopoly. Hotels on Park Place and Boardwalk are also a good idea. Should you play your cards right, your corporation will gain supreme power and your lobbyists will eventually have more say than the political leaders themselves. Each decision you make will influence millions of lives, and the prosperity of the world will depend on your benevolence. Provided you have any, that is.

  military This is the classic form of world domination in which you take over Earth through sheer military might. To achieve this end, you will want to begin building your destructive arsenal as soon as possible, including but certainly not limited to armies, death rays, doomsday devices, and giant robotic spider monsters. You’ll also want to formulate your master plan, train your troops in the subtle arts of looting and pillaging, and form strategic alliances (you can break them later if necessary). When you feel you are ready, unleash your dogs of war on an unsuspecting world. Send forth destruction like Earth has never seen, and take over the planet in one fell swoop. The old methods are often the best and, in this case, the most satisfying.

  The use of shadow governments and secret societies is another viable means of world domination.

  shadow government The use of shadow governments and secret societies is another viable means of world domination. In a shadow government, you enjoy anonymity while exercising complete control over those “in charge.” The actual government does not even need to know you are there! To implement a shadow government, train a few dozen reliable spies and place them in pivotal positions throughout the infrastructure of the country you wish to control, including powerful roles in the military, Freemasons, NRA, and the post office. If you are tripped up by any actual authority figures, dispatch them and replace them with identical clones or animatronics. Conspiracy theorists may strike close to home on occasion, but they are not a significant threat since no one ever believes them.